FIRST SEMESTER FRESHMAN YEAR IS OVER!

I think it was officially done yesterday at 12:30 when I finished my Calc final, but then I had to write one last reflection paper for my Soc class and I dragged that through the day until I finished it at around 9pm, I think?  For my last night at UofM before the second semester started I wanted to get TRASHED but I ended up just taking care of a friend who was a couple steps from death.  Shrug, it happens to all of us, and lately I've been feeling the lingering affects of binge drinking.  By lately, I mean for the past month or so...yeah. 

This semester was crazy.  I started out SO motivated for B-school, and really on track (staying up late to do readings, doing all my homeworks, finishing things days ahead) but then about a month into the semester I got back to high school ways.  That didn't really cut it so I kind of picked it back up just about a week before finals started.  I found out I'm really hard on myself, which I should be because the only distractions are the ones I allow.  I made good friends and lost them, then became good friends with people I would never expect.  I've gotten to know about 60-something people really well by living in a big ass house with them, and all of the drama that is involved.  Went sorta crazy with boys here, but when you're this age and you get into an entire house packed with just people around the same age and tons of alcohol, it happens.  I told my friend recently, "I want to stop hooking up".  He said, "Then you have to stop drinking".  Which is really true, and its funny how we know exactly how to solve our problems but we just don't do it.  A lot of my ideals have changed, and I think I've changed a little too.  Not enough though; I've got a longgg way to go.  Can't WAIT to rape and pillage next semester.

Going home tonight and seeing my bestest buds!  We can like not talk for two months, then see each other and its incredible, like we put our own separate little world on pause.  That's how you know true friendship - nothing can change it.

Dec16-Jan4 : home
Dec24-25 : christmas dinner/christmas day with family
Dec28(?) : PARTYYY!

otherwise, give me a call!

ABC QUIZ // i'm bored

A- Age of my first kiss: 13?

B- Band I am listening to right now:  Fall Out Boy (Of All the Gin Joints in All the World)

C- Crush: The actor that plays Viktor Krum in Harry Potter, OMG!

D- Dads name: Andrew

E- Easiest person to talk to: Justina

F- Favorite ice cream: ehh coffee, if I HAD to choose

G- Gummy bears or gummy worms: Bears

H- Hometown: Fresh Meadows NEW YORK

I- Favorite Instruments: Drums, guitar

J- Junior High: Ryan 216

K- Kids: Two, eventually

L- Love: for Linda and Justina, my parents, my brother, myself

M- Moms name: Susie

N- Nicknames: k-nasty LOL, princess 

O- One wish: to get through all of this successfully

P- Phobia(s): the dark, enclosed spaces, dying of being deprived of air somehow

Q- Quote: If you keep looking in the rearview, you'll run yourself off the road.

R- Reason to smile: to shut people up

S- Song I sang last: Graham Colton Band - Cigarette

T- Time I woke up today: 9am

U- Unknown fact about me: My self esteem SUCKS

V- Vegetable favorite: Broccoli, thats right bitches

W- Worst habit: Cracking the shit out of my back

X- X-rays: Chest, two weeks ago

Y- Years since ive been to church: uhh, 18?

Z- Zodiac Sign: Leo

Thanksgiving break was good.  Had some things to deal with that was pretty heavy, but after that my favorite thing to do was just lounge around my house.  In other words, to just BE HOME.  I loved being home, I loved seeing my best friends, I loved being in my room and showering without shoes in my own shower.  Thankgiving dinner turned out really well even though me and my brother cooked a dinner for 10 when there was only five people.  It was a nice vacation.

Now back to the grind. SIGH

It always seems like the unfortunate things in life always follow one another, to keep beating you down, kicking you while you're down, until you just about give up everything.  Once you do, they've won, and let you be happy again until its time to test yourself against the trials and tribulations of life.

Classes are as stressful as ever.  It's all changed though.  Strangely enough, I don't really do as much work as I used to or as I should, and me knowing how lazy I'm getting is stressing me out.  Isn't it easy enough to just pick yourself up and get motivated again?  I am so totally drained already, of the constant barrage of work and studying and no sleep and no time, just nonstop.  But I guess that's college and we'll see if I overcome; laziness really isn't an option and it isn't a joke. 

Things were pretty good a while ago, classes were hard but life as a whole was good.  Don't get me wrong - I'm not a completely codependent person that NEEDS other people to make me who I am.  BUT, I'm an extremely social person that loves company, loves getting to know people, loves mutual emotions, all that stuff.  I guess I had that for a while, and it was getting to a pretty stable thing that made me happy and smile and laugh and have fun.  As always though, like my brother says, I give people way too much credit.  I'm in college but I'm looking for some sense of stability in my crazy life, something constant and comfortable and fun and happy and familiar that I'm willing to work for to get, and I don't have the relationship ADD I had a few months ago ... but it wasn't reciprocated.  It's all I can conclude at this point.  I deserve an explanation, a REAL one, that makes sense here and now, but I'm not gonna sit around and waste my time trying to get it. 

I signed the lease for an apartment today with my roommate.  I'm so excited to live with him next year, it'll be awesome.  A little farther, but big and we can furnish it just the way we want (i.e., Will and Grace).

I guess now that I actually think about it, I'd always assumed you'd be at my wedding and watch me get married.  It hasn't really hit me yet as reality.

life is so ridiculous.

why do i let it get to me? i didnt want any distractions and i wanted to focus on bschool, so the only thing important to me was school. then i started wanting someone, so i found a couple of mr.right-nows on the weekends and that sucked.  out of nowhere i meet someone pretty cool and not really like anyone else so far and i've balanced everything really well and it made me happy, and life was good and set.  then ... i dont know. i get worked up too easily, i think.. but then again i think its with good reason.

i hate it when things are done without an explanation. it happened when i first got here, and i hate it.  i'm cool with whatever happens but at least just let me know. it might suck but as long as i know, its better than doing a total 360 on shit. and now its too late because i cant just not care about it anymore.

BACK HOME IN TWO WEEKS HELL YEAH